An Open Letter to My Dog

Dear Gloria:

I love you too, but please keep your tongue out of my ass.

Love,

Tony

An Open Letter to Sean Hannity

Dear Putz:

Lots of people put weird crap on their burgers.  It doesn’t mean anything.  Stop carping about it, you impotent slug.

Go Rot,

Tony

The Yotes

The NHL today said that it fixes problems with their franchises and that it does not run out on cities. This is good news for Phoenix hockey fans, since the Coyotes are about to go belly-up in a sea of shit. I'd hate to see the Yotes leave Glendale (and their beautiful arena), but I don't know if the fickle Phoenix market will support a young team that doesn't play very well. Particularly if they have to drive 20 minutes to get there (SOB!).

Here's hoping the Yotes stay. And that they get a new head coach. Gretzky, it's time to go!

Life’s a Bitch Arlen…

This blog is swiftly becoming the Anti-Arlen site, but this statement from his office really pissed me off.  See, today the Senate voted to strip Specter of his seniority on the various committees he’s on.  Specter responded by whining about his deal with Reid:

“Senator Reid assured me that I would keep my committee assignments and that I would have the same seniority as if I had been elected as a Democrat in 1980. It was understood that the issue of subcommittee chairmanships would not be decided until after the 2010 election. Some members of the caucus have raised concerns about my seniority, so the caucus will vote on my seniority at the same time subcommittee chairmanships are confirmed after the 2010 election. I am confident my seniority will be maintained under the arrangement I worked out with Senator Reid. I am eager to continue my work with my colleagues on the various committees on which I serve and will continue to be a staunch and effective advocate for Pennsylvania’s and the Nation’s priorities.”

Here’s my problem: Specter is acting like a complete ingrate and like the Democrats owe him something.  The only reason this guy’s a Democrat is to save his political life.  The PA GOP wants him out; the only way for him to stay in the Senate is as a Democrat.  Knowing this, why is Reid bending over backwards to please this guy?  He has  no leverage.  He should be bending over backwards to please his new party, not the other way around.

I cannot wait to vote against whoever is running against him in the 2010 Primary.

Gleeful

I have never seen it, will never watch it, and I’m not sure what it’s about, but I am sure that watching Fox’s show Glee will make me shit a beaver.

Another Open Letter to Arlen Spector

Dear Dumbass:

Now you want Coleman back in the Senate. I can't wait to vote against you in the 2010 Democratic Primary.

Love,
Tony

This Week

This week I will be publishing my short story The Meat Shall Inherit the Earth. I will publish it in parts to make it easier to read and digest. And hopefully there’ll be enough cliffhangers to entice you to come back and read the next installment.

Hope you enjoy it. Here's a short excerpt to get you in the mood...

About an hour later, I heard the first one come in.

Sharkey and I spent that hour eating food and listening to the radio. You know, goofing off. I was reading Sharkey’s comic book then and Sharkey was asleep, leaning his head against stainless-steel cabinets above the prep area.. I heard the door open and close, followed by some heavy footsteps. I couldn’t see around the big fryer, so I just called out: “Pete! Bring any weed with ya?” No answer. I shrugged it off. Pete was a great guy – and a fairly average manager – but sometimes he could get in a mood.

Then I heard the door open and close again. Followed by more heavy footsteps and a distinct odor of manure.

“Pete,” I called out. “What’s up man! You smell like a farm!”

More footsteps. This time I heard grunting noises. Real deep grunting. Like someone was trying to push a piece of meat out of his throat.

“Sharkey,” I whispered. Sharkey was still asleep. I threw his comic book at him. He didn’t open his eyes.

“Fuck you,” he mumbled.

I slid off of a stool and crawled on the floor towards him. I hit his leg. “Ow,” he whined, looking down at me.

I put my finger to my lips to quiet him. Then I pointed out toward the front of the restaurant. He got the picture. Sharkey grimaced and jumped down to the floor with me.

“What’s up,” he hissed.

“I think we’re being robbed,” I said quietly, over-enunciating every word so he could read my lips.

Suggestive Picture Caption of the Day

"Really, Larry? It's THIS big?"

An Open Letter to Arlen Spector

Dear Arlen:

I still think you’re a turd for jettisoning your “commitment” to habeas during the Military Commissions Act debate in 2006.

Love,

Tony